#but im not going to sit here and pretend like some faiths aren't about just furthering their numbers
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aeternalight · 2 years ago
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I understand to some extent, but when your spiritual identity has been torn apart because someone or something of a different faith has hurt you, then it's okay to exist in spite of another path.
Besides, not all paths will be yours, and you do not have to kindly respect other's paths, in response.
As long as you are not hurting innocent people that have not hurt you, it's okay to be angry with other deities or spiritual practices outside of your own. And as long as you are not colonizing other's faiths, just because you disagree with them, you are free to be angry.
I personally have religious and cult trauma, RAMCOA in all, throughout multiple lives. I do not belong to a single faith, nor do I see my "faith" above anyone else's. I have a deep hatred for cults and religions that exploit other people, especially christianity. But that does not make my experiences less true or less real, just because I feel estranged from others.
I understand what you are referring to, and that can be frustrating. But if you are multifaceted in your faith, like myself, its kind of hard to not see flaws in the way history has been written.
It is okay to criticize or to loathe other faiths, especially if you have been hurt by them. We do not need to be civil with things that uphold systematic oppression and bring fear to exploited innocents.
Friendly reminder that if you cannot explain, discuss, or celebrate your beliefs without shitting on someone else's, you neither understand nor truly believe in your chosen path.
Yes, even if you have trauma.
And no, you don't get to claim the suffering of people who died during witch trials because those were not secret pagan witches.
Also, learn your history. Not everything was originally a pagan sex festival, the Wheel of the Year is a recent invention, Christians did not steal our holidays, and cultural development doesn't happen in a vacuum.
Don't be a pick-me witch. You're better than that. So do better.
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uzumaki-rebellion · 1 year ago
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"King Killmonger: The Golden Jaguar" Chapter 5
Masterlist HERE.
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"We hope each soul will find
Around and inside
Another soul to love
Let this be our prayer
Let this be our prayer, just like every child
Need to find a place, guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe"
Avery Wilson & Candace Boyd—"The Prayer"
Yani held onto the hand of her baby sister Anika, as her middle sister Dawnette gushed over meeting Tahir. Anika told their entourage of women—Twyla, Zola, Ilana—the story of Killmonger and Tahir spending the night at their Aunt Leona's cramped apartment when she was sixteen and impressionable. But now that she was in her early twenties and legal, she had the right of first dibs on the handsome foreigner to Wakanda.
They entered the banquet venue's snazzy restroom where a full sitting room/powder room was set up before one even made it to the restrooms in a separate section. Checking their make-up and showering the room with their loud gossip over men and available bachelors, Yani noticed Ime in a corner with four other women seated on plush chairs chatting. Anika and Dawnette followed Twyla into the restroom to relieve themselves of wine and other spirits passed around for the after dessert libations. Yani took note of a few other noblewomen clucking together in their various groupings parceled about using wall mirrors to fix hair, and check make-up.
It was obvious that women snuck glances at Yani and she smiled while passing others to get to Ime.
"Princess Yani," Ime said.
Ime stood quickly and her friends did too, showing Yani respect.
"Leave us please…I would like to speak with Ime," Yani said.
Zola and Ilana walked away and kept watch over her for any intrusions.
"Shall we chat for a moment?" Yani said.
Ime nodded and Yani led her to some chairs in a corner that faced away from the other women in the room giving them some privacy.
"I wanted to talk to you about our relationship going forward. After I marry King N'Jadaka, I will be having a series of special events throughout Birnin Zana. Private teas, luncheons, and of course, the Queen's Ball. You and I will see a lot of each other because of Ramatla's position working for my husband."
"Of course."
Ime's voice was sweet as pie, but Yani wasn't keen on her maintaining a façade any longer.
"I know you don't like me. No need for us to pretend that you give a fuck about what I think about you."
Ime's eyes widened and several women within hearing distance moved away quickly to avoid catching strays. Hushed voices spread throughout the powder room and every woman not connected to Yani or Ime vacated the premises immediately. Zola and Ilana strolled over to the restroom toilet entrance to provide interference in case their party came out.
Ime pulled her shoulders back and lifted her head higher. She regarded Yani as a worthy adversary. Her mask fell away.
"It is true. I do not like you. You aren't fit to be queen—"
"You uncouth bitch!" Zola snapped.
Ilana held Zola back.
"I'm a bitch?" Ime said, slanting her gaze toward Zola. "You disloyal witches were so quick to scuttle over to her side that you threw away years of our friendship…and for what? A chance to be around the king?"
Yani glanced at Zola and Ilana. Ime craned her neck back and folded her arms over her chest. Her gaze burned into Yani's face.
"Do you know how many eligible women here that are better than you who would kill to have N'Jadaka Udaku?" Ime said.
"I know you are one of them," Yani said.
Ime didn't flinch. Her lips twisted into a devilish smirk.
"You are damn right. I was one of those women. Had you or that other one not showed up, I'd be in your place right now."
"Listen to this hussy!" Zola hissed.
Yani held up her hand to silence Zola.
Twyla, Anika and Dawnette wandered back in.
"What's going on?" Twyla asked, quickly sizing up the tension.
"Twyla, would you mind taking my sister's back to our party? I need to talk to Lady Ime in private," Yani said.
Twyla took the hint and gathered up the younger women toward the exit. Zola and Ilana followed behind to block anyone else from entering. Yani leaned her left arm over her right on the armrest and crossed her legs.
"I will be queen soon, so any dreams or aspirations you bad minded bitches had about N'Jadaka are over fuh good. I'll fuck up anyone who tries tuh come for we…even Remy."
Ime huffed and jumped to her feet. Yani's chest burned. She took her time standing up like a powerful royal woman with the highest status in the land shared with her man.
"This hatred yuh have in your heart…keep it or throw it away. I don't care. You mean nothing to me. However, we both have a duty to our country—"
"You are not a real Wakandan, Yani Galiber. You are a fake. A blight on the bloodline. You think your position is safe just because you will marry him tomorrow? Hmmph. Then you don't truly know the history of Udaku men. They have an appetite…a lust for life that you could never satisfy as an outsider. No Wakandan man in his right mind would see you as any kind of prize."
"Well, your man has a taste for me, so I can't be all that bad."
Ime's eyes narrowed and her right hand went up high to strike Yani.
"Ime stop!"
Remy's voice rattled them both. He grabbed Ime's arm and pulled her away before her hand connected with Yani's face.
"My apologies Princess Yani. She has disrespected you and I am…embarrassed by this."
Ime snatched her arm away. Her cold eyes had gone beyond jealous hatred. There was envious murder lodged in them too. Yani took a step back sensing an uncontrollable rage flowing through her nemesis. Remy struggled to get Ime's hand back down to her side. She stuck a finger in Yani's direction.
"You aren't special. He will get bored with you…you are nothing like us…"
Ime vomited hatred with her words, and Yani stood strong with a half smile on her face, allowing the woman to get everything off of her chest right then and there. Had Yani worn her finger armor that night, there would've been deep bloody holes in Ime's face. She kept a rigid posture despite her blood pressure going up. A physical entanglement would only fuel the fire of other nobles who felt the same as Ime. Her throat tightened and she parceled her words carefully. Yani's mind screamed to revoke Ime's wedding invitation, but she wanted the woman to watch her nuptials and squirm about it. Diplomacy and tact were the order of the evening.
"Lady Ime, I appreciate your honesty. You have never minced your words, so I will not run around the bush with mine. King N'Jadaka and I are one blade."
Ime's eyes narrowed hearing the euphemism. Remy watched Yani's face with an apprehensive expression. Had it been a club in St. Thomas back when she kept a reckless mouth, Yani would not hesitate to let all of the noble women know she was a good pussy gyal. They way N'Jadaka carried on in her pum pum was all the evidence she needed. The elites could come for Yani all they wanted, but that bad man from the hill wasn't going anywhere.
She took a step forward and Remy repositioned his left foot in front of the tips of her shoes to create a barrior between the two women. Biting back the rancor in her throat and the urge to call Ime a heavy-tongued cow foot whore, she opted to act her position.
"Your campaign to vilify me or make me feel less worthy of the throne has failed. You can't have N'Jadaka, so you go for Remy. The way I hear it, you backstabbed your best friend to get him…so if I were you Ime, I would worry about repairing my social reputation instead of coming for a queen. Good luck with this one, Remy. It's a pity that your family settled for this waste gyal as your future wife—"
Ime lunged for Yani. Remy became a shield. He hugged Yani and protected her body from Ime's attack. Ilana and Zola rushed over and yanked Ime into a corner, pushing her back against a wall mirror. They shoved her shoulders and cursed in her face to keep her from going up against Yani again.
"Please forgive her…I'm sorry for everything," Remy pleaded.
He held Yani's shoulders and she could feel his warm breath blow across her lips. From the reflection in the mirror behind him, Yani noticed N'Jadaka walking in with Twyla. Remy's hands dropped away from her body quickly, but N'Jadaka saw it all. Ilana rushed to the king's side and whispered something to him before he reached their side of the powder room. He moved like a stalking cat toward Ime afterward, ignoring Remy and Yani completely. Zola stepped to the side giving N'Jadaka space. Ime cowered before the man she desired above all others.
Everyone remained silent. N'Jadaka's smoldering presence held them all in a chokehold. Ime trembled.
"Look at me," N'Jadaka commanded.
Ime turned her head to the side and refused to do so. N'Jadaka crowded her body and Yani knew exactly how that felt up close. The heat. The crackling energy. The sexual prowess. It was too much to process all at once, and for a mere second, Yani pitied Ime. Her greatest desire was right in front of her and she couldn't even look at him.
"Don't make me repeat myself."
"King N'Jadaka, I beg…let me remove her from your presence. She has been drinking—"
"Do you have permission to speak to me?"
N'Jadaka didn't bother to look at Remy. His voice boomed and the message was received.
Stand down.
Ime lifted her head. Watery eyes peered at the king.
"I don't normally get into women's business, but I warned you once about bothering her, so now I will give you a choice. Get on your knees in front of her and beg forgiveness for your insolence or I will strip you from your title and make life hell for your entire family."
Ime jammed her back against the mirror with horror dripping from her eyes.
"She accosted me…I was minding my own business with friends," Ime whined.
"Ime…just do it. Stop making this worse for yourself. If you have no title, we cannot marry," Remy said.
The tears fell then. Ime wiped at her eyes as if her own body betrayed her. Yani slipped her hand around N'Jadaka's.
"Let it be. She's drunk and we know how powerful the drinks have been tonight. We need to leave for rest. Our wedding will be here soon, king," Yani said.
Mercy.
That is what Yani gave Ime. Although it would've been a sight to see Ime groveling at her feet, Yani wanted to be above the woman in the best way. Knowing N'Jadaka showed his trump card, she doubted Ime would get out of line ever again. The threat of losing a title was worse than going to hell in Wakanda.
The king allowed Yani to lead him away from Ime, and Remy rushed to her side, throwing an arm around his fiancé's waist. He guided her quivering form away from certain banishment. Twyla wandered over.
"Gossip has already spread outside. When you walk out of here, look cheerful like nothing happened," Twyla said.
Strolling hand-in-hand with Twyla cracking a joke, they left the powder room laughing. Their performance was good enough to get them past a few people, but it was clear the mood had shifted in the banquet room toward her. The upper class were shook to their core. No one was safe if the king jumped for Yani like that in public.
Yani gathered up her children with Leona and Dante's help, and they all bid farewell to the hosts and their dinner companions from the center table. Couples were still dancing and liquor still flowed and would do so into the night. Nobles from all the tribes rushed up to Yani and wished her a good evening, hoping that she graced them with her sweet voice and a smile. N'Jadaka shook hands and accepted congratulations for their upcoming nuptials once more. She waved at her favorite people throughout the banquet room while Zola and Ilana stayed close with her sisters in tow.
N'Jadaka held Yani's and Joba's hand until they were outside the venue boarding a different vehicle with the children by themselves. Yani turned on the sound-proof barrier for the back seat where Joba, Riki, and Sydette sat comfortably, their eyes drowsy from all the activity of the day. They spoke freely without their driver and guard hearing.
"I'm glad you didn't fight her physically," N'Jadaka said.
"Me too. It wouldn't be a good look for us, no matter how much she deserved to get boxed. She knows where I stand. That's the important thing when dealing with a yamhead gyal."
"Remy has a problem on his hands."
"You do too."
"How's that?"
Yani leaned into him and held onto his arm.
"According to her, you were supposed to be her betrothed if I hadn't showed up in Wakanda. Remy was her back up consolation prize."
The corners of his lips went down and his brows joined in the center.
"This caste culture is very particular, very selective of whom they pair couples. The more I learn, the more I see how dangerous it was for my father to choose my mother. Sometimes I think she would've received the same treatment."
"They aren't nice about my foreignness at all in Ime's cliques. She even insinuated that Ilana and Zola only came to me to get close to you."
"We know there are advantages being around me. But those two…," He gave a casual glance to to Yani, "Their hearts are in the right place. They adore you. I know they have crushes on me, but those are just harmless feelings. Most times I have to bargain with them just to get you to myself all alone."
Yani grinned and stroked a finger up and down his chest.
"Are you still going to your bachelor party tonight?" she asked.
"It's not a party. A little get together with the fellas."
"Where will you guys go?"
"We're staying in the palace. I have some food and drinks prepared up in the salon. We'll play cards, smoke cigars…catch up with my cousins. Nothing crazy."
"Strippers?"
Yani giggled and N'Jadaka put an arm around her pulling her into his side. Her breasts mashed into his chest.
"I've seen enough naked women in my life to last me. Every color, size, and from damn near every continent. I'd get bored watching some stranger shake ass for mere entertainment with a bunch of men. Smoking, drinking and shooting the shit is all I want to do. Besides…I have the baddest woman on the planet and I'll get my own private show after we get married."
She puckered her lips and he lowered his head to brush his mouth against hers.
They arrived in the palace parking structure at a reasonable hour. N'Jadaka carried Joba and Riki, while Yani carried Sydette in her arms. Back at their home, Kora helped guide the children away from the front door in their sleepy daze toward the stairs.
"I guess we have to say goodnight here," Yani said.
She wrapped her arms around N'Jadaka's waist and he held her close.
"Yep. I say goodbye to Princess Yani forever. I'll miss her."
They locked eyes, basking in the moment together.
"Thank you for never giving up on me…even when you thought I was gone forever. Thank you for making sure our children knew about me. Thank you for being the light that brought me back to myself…the light that showed me that I could find a perfect love in paradise. You have made this imperfect man so very happy."
"Thank you for coming into my life…thank you for believing in me and making sure I was taken care of even when you thought death was a possibility for yourself. Thank you for being the love of my life…choosing our precious Sydette as your own and giving me my beautiful son. Thank you for trusting me to raise a special extra daughter too. You have made this equally imperfect woman very happy too."
"Well shit, we might as well be married now. Sounded like we said some vows," he joked.
"I know. I'm actually happy that we don't have to say a lot tomorrow. I already feel like crying…"
"Aye girl…no tears…"
Yani buried her face in his chest and wept out her happiness. He rubbed her back with loving hands and cooed in her ear soft words of love.
"You are my life, baby."
He pulled away and kissed her forehead.
"Go on now, get some beauty rest. We all get to sleep in until twelve thirty. I shouldn't even be looking at you right now. We're supposed to stay separated," he said.
She held his hands, not wanting to let him go, not wanting to part from his warmth and strength. Staring into his eyes, she luxuriated in the overpowering essence of his presence the way Ime had experienced him up close. Yani still thrilled to his energy and aura. She pulled him in for a kiss…a long one. Their heads moved from side to side and his hands palmed her backside, squeezing the heavy orbs. His tongue explored and made promises for their wedding night. He kissed her woozy and she stepped back on weak legs. Her brain felt mushy and her body tingled all over. Especially down below.
"I should go now," he said.
"Okay."
Neither one of them left the front door.
"I have to change clothes for my bachelor party," he said.
"Hmmm."
His dimples and septum ring mesmerized her. The glint of his gold panther teeth held her captive when his lips parted in a gentle smile. The king's body heat wrapped her in a cocoon of love. His too-muchness enveloped all of her senses and she suppressed the urge to look away from his face.
N'Jadaka's kimoyo beads lit up breaking the spell for Yani.
"It's Mpilo…I betta dip. Can't be late to my own gathering," he said.
Yani moved away from him knowing that if he touched her again, she would pull him into their home and up to her bed.
"Love you," he said.
She blew him a kiss and dashed inside the front door, closing it quickly. Resting her back against it, she touched her face. It was hot and a light sheen of nervous sweat covered the back of her neck. She touched her stomach to calm the butterflies there. Lord…he still made her swoon like it was their first time together.
"Are you alright, Princess Yani?"
Sindiswa, the evening attendant for their home approached Yani with concern.
"I'm fine. Can you please bring me some bria tea and chocolate biscuits to my bedroom?"
"Yes, ma'am."
Yani climbed the stairs thinking of love, family, and finally having her happy new beginning with N'Jadaka.
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Sunrises in Wakanda were a stunning tapestry painted with the delicate hand of Bast.
N'Jadaka rose early before the streaks of orange, rose, pale turquoise, and magenta saturated the horizon heralding the golden return of the sun.
He bathed in a wide tub filled with oils and herbs to purify his body for marriage. The humble priest Dinani waited for him on the balcony where they prayed together in the language of Bast, the ancient tongue that supported him through his transformation on the holy mountain. Ogum stirred in his chest and quickly rose to the crown of his head where the energies of two gods merged.
The ancestors rested within him.
Dinani and N'Jadaka's former temple caretaker Ayiz'e smudged him head to toe fully nude with river sage and more prayer work. As the sun rose, he watched it golden the sky while listening to a recording of a berimbau being played by his mother and a drum pounded by his Grandpop. He prepared his mind for hours of ceremony and honed in on Ayiz'e warming up a thick glob of ceremonial body butter in her hands. The pale yellow substance melted into clear oil and she rubbed it all over him, even his locs. It smelled wonderful, like citrus and honey. She knelt down and rubbed it on his buttocks and the back of his thighs. Dinani observed the preparation making sure no spot on his body was missed. Ayiz'e started rubbing the oil on his groin and when she stroked his flaccid penis and scrotum with it, Dinani held up a tied leather bundle about seven inches long.
"Kumkani, before you consummate your union with the new queen, you must remember to give Bast an offering of your semen first. Princess Yani has been trained properly to do this with you. We would all be pleased if you conceived a new heir on this night," Dinani said.
Ayiz'e finished oiling his nutsack and the front of his legs and feet.
"He is heavy with seed. We can expect plenty of blessings in the king's future," she said.
Dinani smiled.
"This is good to hear. It has been a long time since the royal family has had a bounty of children. Bast will be pleased with our king. We shall take our leave now until we see you at the wedding temple," Dinani said.
They left the suite and an attendant brought his early morning breakfast. Pork medallions, porridge sweetened with sugared red berries, buttery biscuits and slices of fresh fruit. He ate his meal alone on the balcony, calming his mind and the wedding jitters. The eagerness to be married right away already overwhelmed him. He wished they could skip all the ceremonial work, but the new marriage had to follow ancient Udaku customs.
Belly full and mind straight, he relaxed in bed for a short respite until it was time to dress. His wedding robes were brought to him and his personal stylist helped him dress. Ayiz'e returned to twist his locs into an elaborate bun with a few strands left to fall on his shoulders. She checked the wedding clothing front to back. His black opal ceremonial robes were blacker than an inky sky at midnight, but as he moved, the robes refracted an array of colors in blue, green, and silvery gray hues that looked like tiny galaxies bursting light in deep dark space.
"He is ready," she said.
Once more, she smudged him with a different bundle of dried plants that smelled spicy and sharp in the nose. It fit his personality. He sniffed it as she passed around him.
"You recognize it?"
He shook his head.
"Bast Root. It is the plant that we used for ceremonies before vibranium fell from the sky. This plant cradled the vibranium meteor when it landed. Bast led King Bashenga to it, and soon after, a patch of it mutated into the heart-shaped herb that we cultivate today. This original plant links us to our past because the Panther Goddess led us into our future. Smudging with it calls Bast and her sisters down to be with you on this day."
"I understand," he said.
Ayiz'e left his side and he stared at himself in the mirror.
"You truly are a king."
N'Jadaka turned his head and Dante walked forward.
"Your parents are with you…they can see how handsome you look, JaJa."
"I feel them."
"They came to me in a dream last night. All I could do was tell them how excited I was to watch you marry Yani, and they looked pleased. I woke up before I could remember what they said, but I'm sure it was something like 'We love you, son.' Their faces were so shiny…so close to me that I could touch them."
Dante touched N'Jadaka's shoulder and admired his wedding garb.
"Are the guys ready?" N'Jadaka asked.
"Waiting for you at the carport. Yani and the children have already left for the temple."
He took a deep breath and checked his clothing again. Dante tapped his arm.
"Come…let's go get your wife," Dante said.
N'Jadaka walked with his grandfather out of the suite. Four Dora Milaje and six kingsguards awaited him outside. They rode a private elevator down to an underground carport where his groomsmen stood near their vehicle transports wearing custom obsidian Wakandan suits that complimented N'Jadaka's robes.
"You look clean man!" Shawn said, giving N'Jadaka dap.
"Damn, I feel like royalty too," Walter said, showing off his outfit.
Tahir wore a custom suit that incorporated his cultural heritage into the design. Mpilo grinned from ear to ear in his own attire. Bibi shook N'Jadaka's hand and congratulated him on his day.
His older cousin, Junie paraded around in his suit.
"I think I ate too much last night," Junie said, patting his stomach.
"I think that fat has always been there," Bibi joked, poking Junie's round belly.
His cousin Nevaeh hugged him. She wore a long overcoat over her covered dress and would walk as his groomswoman carrying flowers to represent Marisol's missing presence. Yani's cousin Kendall was doing the same as a bridesman filling in the gap of missing family from the Galiber side. He would escort Nevaeh down the aisle.
"How are you feeling, JaJa?" Nevaeh asked.
"The nerves are kicking in a little bit, I'm not gonna lie," he said.
She kissed his cheek and wiped away the smudge of her lipstick.
"Are you ready to leave, kumkani?" a driver asked.
"Let's rock and roll," N'Jadaka said.
They split into three cars and N'Jadaka sat next to Dante.
The streets of Wakanda were jam packed with spectators who had lined up on every avenue and street corner waiting to catch sight of the royal family. Every inch of the city looked decorated and the festive energy of the citizens forced grins on all their faces in the cars. The wedding was the celebration the country needed after a tumultuous year adjusting to life removed from the Infinity War.
He watched people dance and throw flowers at the cars as they were whisked to the heart of the golden city where the temple waited. Traffic clogged up two blocks before they arrived at their destination, and they waited patiently for the kingsguards and the royal onyx squad to make way for their cars to get through.
They crossed through the gauntlet ten minutes late, but N'Jadaka didn't care about time. He stayed in the present moment, feeling all the feelings, letting the fervor of the crowd wash through him.
The ancient temple loomed in front of them. The last time they had been there was to reunite with his parents, but that sadness didn't linger over the ancient site. It beckoned to him with an ethereal beauty and gave him the gift of peace in his heart. His parents were there waiting to watch him wed. Their spirits hovered all around him.
Their vehicles were ushered into a covered parking structure on the west side of the temple entrance where his clan and extended family convened. Umama, Ramonda, and an army of other Udaku relatives stood waiting for him and his groomsmen.
"You look amazing Umama. You too, Ramonda," he said.
He hugged as many relatives as he could before a wedding director arrived and pulled him away from Soliel, Aujannue and Serah to give final instructions. Nevaeh's mother Rolita straightened the locs that tangled on his shoulders from all the hugging. The family drummers stood nearby waiting for their cue, and the family griot, his cousin Didah, walked in front of everyone carrying a centuries old staff that was carved with family sigils of protection. She touched the top of her forehead and took a deep breath before approaching N'Jadaka. He could feel the rising energy of his family behind him.
"Cousin N'Jadaka, the temple is packed. Your grandmother has permitted some people to stand in the back, so when we go in, please keep yourself in the center behind me at all times until we reach the front. The acting griot for the Galiber clan will come in right when the last of our family has been seated."
N'Jadaka nodded. He heard Didah's words, but his body sensed the anticipation inside the temple. Somewhere on the otherside of the structure, Yani was waiting for him. His heart thudded in his chest and his hands went clammy. Umama lifted his chin with her hand.
"Breathe, grandson…that's it. Relax and breathe."
Tunnel vision and anxiety ran through him. The overstimulation forced him to gulp in air. Serah clasped his hand and his Uncle Addae slipped next to him and gripped his elbow to steady him. N'Jadaka was about to ask for a chair to sit in, but a comforting warmth spilled down from the crown of his head and flowed to his feet. He closed his eyes. Her familiar scent came down on him the way it did when he used to cook in her kitchen when he was a little boy. Florida water.
Nana Jean.
"I'm glad you're here too," he whispered under his breath.
He knew his great-grandmother always stayed with him, but the scent of her protective potions surrounded him…grounded him. Standing tall, he shook his hands and prepared to swagger down the aisle so the world could see a king claiming his queen.
Didah gave him the biggest smile that rivaled the sun shining above them. She tilted her head back and burst into the first stanza of their family history and the drummers matched her strong voice as they pounded out the backing rythmn. His groomsmen and groomswoman were led away to join Yani's bridesmaids and bridesman to prepare for their entrance.
"I feel you all in me," N'Jadaka said out loud to his ancestors.
He held onto Dante's and Umama's hands and followed Didah out of the covered structure. The drummers controlled the pace of their trek around the temple and once they entered, N'Jadaka focused his eyes on Dinani the priest who waited for them at the front.
The temple overflowed with guests and their excited energy pushed against the king, adding an extra layer of sensory overload he tried to control. He was happy, so very happy, and every inch down the aisle heightened the experience. The piercing pride in Didah's voice carried him along as she sang out the story of the Udaku family leading the country for generations. Each time she named a queen or king, N'Jadaka felt their movement in his core as if they each tapped his soul to let him know they were walking beside him. He laughed out loud when Queen Shuriya's name was uttered. His greatest grandmother tickled the back of his neck and a vision of her clouded his eyes before the next name was called. His family gave a call and response with the drummers as they circled the temple allowing all the spectators to see the great King N'Jadaka in all his royal splendor. They made their way back up the aisle as his father's and mother's names were uttered. Umama let out a ululation that rippled through the family and N'Jadaka's knees almost buckled hearing the pain that was still in his grandmother's throat.
He closed his eyes when he felt a kiss from his mother on his temple and another kiss from his father on his forehead. He wiped his eyes and guided his elder relatives to their seats on a dais behind the priest. The rest of his family filled in the reserved seats in front of their guests.
N'Jadaka looked across the rows of guests and acknowledged the nearly nine hundred non-Udaku family members facing him. Sunlight filtered through the temple and illuminated the majestic indoor trees that created the canopy roof, their wide-sweeping branches intertwined with the solid pillars and Goddess statues making the atmosphere look surreal and holy. Didah and the drummers concluded their family song by highlighting N'Jadaka's bravery in protecting the people, and he danced entertaining the crowd. A few elderly Udaku aunts and uncles stood up and encouraged him to show out and he granted them a show. Umama and Dante hooted and hollered for him too. A bold drummer jumped in front of the king and pounded an extra rhythm for his feet and shoulders and he allowed his limbs to cut loose. The unseen Galiber clan called out his name loudly from the back announcing their entrance, and he ended his dancing by bowing to his grandparents. A riotous applause cascaded from the foreign guests in the audience.
Didah took her place behind him on the dais waiting for Yani's family griot to orate about her family.
The sound of clashing blades echoed from the far side of the temple. N'Jadaka waited with great anticipation. Kendall, and about fifteen of Yani's adult family members carried shiny cutlass blades and lit torches. They didn't use drums for a percussive sound, but sang acapella about Queen Mary, their history of enslavement and liberation using the acoustics of the ancient temple to echo the beauty of their combined voices. Leona walked among them lending her voice with her head held high wearing a strapless puffy champagne-colored gown decorated with tiny cutlass blades. Her salt and pepper hair was carefully decorated with Ginger Thomas flowers the official island flower from their home. Several young children and teenagers from their family followed along clapping to the beat and gazing at the wondrous beauty of the ancient temple.
Although Yani's family was small in number representing their clan in comparison to N'Jadaka's, they kept the guests spellbound listening to the story of their island roots and their connection to Africa through the diaspora. After singing the folk song of Queen Mary, Kendall took over the oral history and sang/rapped about their family. The other relatives stomped their feet and clapped their hands with percussive beats supporting his playful delivery of Caribbean history. The Galiber clan circled past N'Jadaka, and Kendall helped Leona join N'Jadaka's grandparents on the dais with four other elder cousins from her family. N'Jadaka moved over to them and gave them hugs and kisses before quickly taking his position back in front.
Kendall stood before Didah and the two of them had a playful back and forth of singing. Didah challenged Kendall to tell the world why Yani was the best woman for N'Jadaka and the young man waved his blade around and pointed the torch at the king. The fire was close enough to heat N'Jadaka's cheeks.
Didah held a long singing note and studied N'Jadaka's face.
"Is this woman for you, kumkani?" Didah asked.
"Bring her to me," he replied and the Udaki family laughed and clapped because he was supposed to simply say "Yes."
Didah's smile swelled his heart and she turned her attention back to Kendall.
"The king has spoken," Didah said.
Kendall grinned and attendants took away all the torches and cutlass weapons. The Wakandan drummers pounded away giving Kendall time to ceremonially return to the bride-to-be letting her know she was called forth. The sweet orchestral sounds of Wakandan strings, flutes, and violins mixed with the beautiful vocals of his paternal grand aunt serenading the strides of Twyla and Bibi. Twyla was already bawling as she clutched her husband's arm and the bouquet of flowers. Yani had all of her bridesmaids wear custom-made, iridescent mother-of-pearl dresses that each woman was allowed to choose in their personal style. Twyla's garment was a one shoulder wrap dress with a high slit on the left side. Her shoulder-length locs were also heavily decorated with island flowers. She clutched Bibi's arm tight while sniffling toward him. They stood on either side of N'Jadaka and he bent over and kissed Twyla's cheek, wiping her tears away.
"I'm sorry..I'm sorry…" Twyla whispered.
N'Jadaka laughed at her and she gathered herself together.
Zola and Ilana walked down with Tahir and Mpilo wearing elaborate crisscross halter neck gowns. The slits in their dresses were more modest, but their elaborate braided hair-dos showed flair and sassiness in their style. Mpilo looked terrified of messing up his walk down the aisle with Ilana, but he relaxed more when the king smiled at him. The heavenly music elevated the feelings in the temple and N'Jadaka touched his chest hoping it wouldn't explode before Yani appeared.
Anika and Dawnette made the long walk down the aisle with Walter and Shawn. Their dresses were a matching ruched style with sequins at the top and satiny overskirts that reminded N'Jadaka of mermaids. They crafted thick twists in their hair and wore their hair flowers tucked at their left temples like Billie Holiday.
Junie escorted Shuri who stunned everyone with her make-up and hair. She had fluffed out her hair into a perfectly coiffed 'fro where flowers were strategically placed to look like they grew from her scalp like a giant ebony bouquet. Her dress had a plunging neck with split sleeves that showed skin powdered with sparkly dust that twinkled like stars on her rich brown skin. As she passed the front row, she gave a nod to Nakia who held a sleeping Toussaint on her lap. Shuri gave a sly smirk to N'Jadaka knowing he was peeping all the extra make-up she never wore in her regular life. His young cousin looked stunning and his older cousin Junie looked proud to escort her in front of the Udaku clan.
Kendall strolled out with Nevaeh whose custom dress shared her Native heritage with Yurok detailing of abalone shells and stringed shell beads that dangled around her waist like a fancy apron that jingled as she walked. She wore a long braid threaded with flowers all the way to the small of her back. When she separated from Kenny she blew a kiss to N'Jadaka and showed him the extra bouquet of flowers she held for Marisol and Disa.
The music changed into a melody that transfixed the entire temple gathering. A young woman sang like an angel with a choral ensemble backing her up high above them. N'Jadaka lifted his gaze to a balcony above the temple entrance where the angelic voices rained down on them like holy blessings. He now understood why Umama insisted that the wedding take place in the late afternoon. The placement of the sun in the sky had its sunrays directed into the temple by the architecture where it created a natural spot light for his children coming down the aisle next.
The entire congregation stood up when Joba appeared, flower crowned with her thick wavy hair shiny with ringlet curls all down to her back. She held a basket of flowers and threw them in front of herself as she slowly walked in the procession. N'Jadaka heard the oohs and ahhs of their guests. The sun made Joba's skin a deep mahogany brown like her mother's and he beckoned for her to keep walking to him so he could hug her. Although her walk was out of order for an American custom, the Wakandans deemed it appropriate for the youngest child in the bridal party to herald the coming of the new wife with flowers and acceptance from the priest.
Joba reached the front and her eyes took in the ancient wisdom of Dinani who presided over the ceremony. Dinani gestured for Joba to come forward and the little girl paused, staring up at the expectant priest. Twyla waved for Joba to come to her side, but Dinani stepped forward and held Joba's hand. Something sacred transpired between the priest and his child. Dinani glanced at N'Jadaka and smiled. Whatever it was made the priest happy. N'Jadaka reached for Joba's hand and pulled her in front of him. He kissed the top of her head and the sweet show of affection made a few guests wave their hands in approval.
Sydette, his ring bearer, stepped lively carrying a satin pillow in her right hand that held the wedding rings. Her left hand kept a tight grip on a red satin binding rope that she would tie around her parent's wrists as part of the wedding ceremony.
His eldest child's hair carried buoyant curls that almost looked bigger than Shuri's 'fro with a braided Mohawk style. A few flowers were tucked into the intricate braiding pattern along her scalp accentuating the fullness of her curls, and her face glowed as she kept her eyes on her Baba watching her steps. Sunlight dappled across her hair and face as she drew closer to him. Her dress matched Joba's, silvery white and princess-styled to fit her age.
"Hey Sweet Pea," he said.
She fixed her lightly pink-glossed lips into a big smile for him showing big dimples like him, and took her place by his side next to Joba. He bent down and gave her a kiss on her nose and she giggled, patting his cheek with the hand carrying the marriage tie. She glanced at her sister and Joba giggled making Sydette giggle more.
"Wait until you see Mama," Sydette said to him.
N'Jadaka straightened right back up and waited for Yani to appear. Before she stepped into the temple, he heard her voice singing the words that were meant for him in that little St. Thomas club so long ago.
"Can't do without you for sure
Amount a place I and I explore
Still nuh find nobody else I adore
Them can't stop we, yeah
Yuh love a sumn wah mi have to protect
You are my balance and my ease to mi stress
Your vibration never fail me yet
Wull on pon me, yea…"*
N'Jadaka had been unaware that Yani was going to sing during their ceremony. Their rehearsal had been calculated from start to finish and at no time was he made aware of his bride serenading him. His ears caught the lead singer of the choral ensemble vocalizing the exact same English words into Wakandan, lending her vocals after Yani finished.
Like it had been in the past, he was mesmerized by Yani's voice before she even stepped into his sight.
Riki held his mother's hand and led her into the temple. His royal robes were an exact replica of his father's. His hair was fluffed out into the big sandy-red sunburst of his grandmother Califia. Yani wanted her son, the first child born to N'Jadaka, to give her away for the ceremony.
N'Jadaka's lips trembled as he watched the beaming face of his gorgeous bride walking toward him in all her glory. Yani's silvery-white dress sparkled in the light of the sun rays that struck the shimmery iridescence in all the right places. Form-fitting, a hood covered her head that fell back into a luxurious train, accentuating the roundness of her beautiful face and big tranquil eyes.
His heart stopped.
N'Jadaka gasped and Joba patted his wrist keeping his spirit from flying out of the room. He held out his hands, palms up, willing his radiant bride to come to him with all his might. Riki took his time setting Yani's pace. The boy wanted to show off his mother. The Wakandan choir sang over their bridal march with a hymnal that brought tears to N'Jadaka's eyes. Yani transported him.
He stood nude in warm liquid inside a Caribbean sea as a young mouthy woman fussed at him to get out of her waters. Surly eyes from the past challenged him to show his true self in a hectic kitchen on a compound until he clawed his way back to humanity and fell in love with his future queen. Yani beckoned him into the ocean of her love for all time. Was there no better proof of higher powers protecting him than that divine encounter with her?
Nothing prepared him fully to witness a vision coming toward him that made his whole body quake. He gasped for breath. Joba squeezed his hand.
"Its okay, Baba. Umi Yani is coming," Joba said.
Riki stopped halfway to the priest and puffed up his chest.
"Baba, come get Mama!" Riki shouted.
The congregation erupted into cacophonous laughter. Like his father, Riki eschewed tradition and said what needed to be said. Sydette pushed N'Jadaka forward and he took eager strides toward Yani. He was supposed to sing the royal wedding song that grooms shared with the bride, but he spoke them instead. The Wakandan words slowed down his steps and he approached Yani full-throated and proud:
"Come when the nights are bright with stars Or when the moon is mellow; Come when the sun his golden bars Drops on the hay-field yellow. Come in the twilight soft and gray, Come in the night or come in the day, Come, O love, whene'er you may, And you are welcome, welcome.
You are sweet, O Love, dear Love, You are soft as the nesting dove. Come to my heart and bring it rest As the bird flies home to its welcome nest.
Come when my heart is full of grief Or when my heart is merry, Come with the falling of the leaf Or with the redd'ning cherry. Come when the year's first blossom blows, Come when the summer gleams and glows, Come with the winter's drifting snows, And you are welcome, welcome…"**
He smiled, happy that he was able to remember every word and say them with enough eloquence in flawless Wakandan. Pausing for a moment to look over her stunning appearance, he relished the sight they created standing in the center of the temple with the warmth of the sun caressing them.
"Will you walk with me Yani Galiber?" he asked.
Yani kept her eyes locked onto his face. She fought to keep any tears from welling up, but the shimmer on her lower lids lost the battle. He never wanted to see her cry, but he made an exception for that day. Riki nudged her hip with an impatient hand. She cradled her son's chin and spoke to him softly.
"Should we?" Yani asked Riki.
A saucy grin curled Riki's lips and he nodded enthustiastically.
"I will walk with you King N'Jadaka Udaku," she said.
"Say that one mo' 'gin," N'Jadaka teased, cupping a hand to his ear.
Yani laughed and obliged him, her voice as soft and magical as it had been the first time he heard it.
"I will walk with you forever King N'Jadaka Udaku…my Golden Jaguar."
"Aye!" he shouted while offering her his arm. She held onto him with a firm grip and he clasped Riki's hand, escorting them both to Dinani.
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Yani held tight to Riki's hand while the adult bridesmaids and groomsmen walked into the temple stepping in time to the exalted music playing for them. Several women priests had smudged her and the children with aromatic plants and oils before they left the palace and once again, a young female priest circled Yani and the children with a gold incense burner trailing a spiraling cloud of purple smoke that clung to their wedding garments and hair. The sweet odor calmed her mind and settled the children who were ready to gallop through the temple to reach their father.
Sydette hugged her waist.
"You look beautiful Mama," Sydette said.
"Thank you Sweet Pea. You all look beautiful, too."
Yani touched Sydette's hair then caressed Joba's cheek.
"I wish they'd hurry up," Riki lamented, swinging Yani's hand.
"They have to take their time walking down the aisle, silly. Everything is being filmed for the country and it's a big deal. If they walked fast they'd miss all the pretty clothes and how good we all look," Sydette said.
Riki and Sydette spoke quietly and Yani honed in on Joba's silence. She had been chatty and playful earlier that morning when everyone rushed around bathing in sacred oils and herbs with the female priests overseeing their preparations. But once they'd eaten a full breakfast, dressed, and left the palace, she'd quieted down.
Yani knelt before her youngest child and clasped her hands.
"How are you feeling, Sunshine? Nervous?"
Joba nodded. Sydette wrapped big sister arms around her.
"You'll make Baba proud when you lead us out…okay? We practiced and practiced and you will make the path for Mama pretty. I will be right behind you," Sydette said.
Joba clutched her basket of flowers and nodded. She tilted her head to look at Yani.
"What if I drop the basket or walk too fast?" Joba said.
Relief spilled over Yani hearing her speak again.
"All you have to do is listen to the music. It's like the metronome in Umama's suite. The beat sets the pace. If you think you're walking too fast, check the music cues. You are going to be a wonderful flower girl."
Yani hugged her and Joba leaned into the embrace. She kissed Yani's cheek and all was well again.
"It's time Princess Joba."
The lead wedding director smiled at the little girl and held a hand out to guide her into position at the temple entrance. Riki ran forward and hugged Joba. He whispered something in her ear and his sister broke out into another bright smile.
"You got this," Riki said out loud.
The director glanced at Yani.
"Everyone is standing up…here we go," the director said.
Joba took a deep breath and marched in time to the harmonious music.
"I'm next! I'm next!" Sydette squealed, twirling in a circle holding the wedding rings and sacred red tie.
Sydette peeked around the wedding director.
"Oh Mama! Baba looks so handsome," Sydette said.
Yani's heart and stomach fluttered. The anticipation of seeing him engulfed all of her nerve endings. They all heard collective oohs and ahhs and a smattering of applause. She wondered what happened to make the congregation applaud. Luckily, she would be able to watch the entire ceremony at a later time. The ceremony was broadcast live and recorded from start to finish. Palace recorders filmed everything the moment they stepped foot outside the palace for candid shots to later be edited into a royal wedding documentary.
"Princess Sydette, you are next please."
The director held out a hand and waved it, summoning the girl. Sydette blew Yani a kiss and marched out like a diva.
"Here you go, Princess Yani."
Another wedding coordinator handed her a mic. Yani waited for her music cue to tap it on. The peaceful strumming of harps alerted her, and she sang out all that she felt to N'Jadaka. She wondered what his facial expression looked like hearing her voice singing that particular song. Riki squeezed her hand in support and for a moment, holding her son's hand and singing to his father brought back all the connections they had in St. Thomas. Emotion spilled through her voice as she conveyed to the king how much he meant to her.
As the voice of the Wakandan choral member sang the song in their language with a different musical arrangement that transformed into the Wakandan wedding march, Yani held tight to her bridal bouquet and let her son lead them into the temple.
Grateful to have her son's hand for support, Yani took in the hundreds of faces that watched her march toward her destiny. Her brain tried to connect with individual eyes upon her. That proved useless once she zeroed in on N'Jadaka waiting for her at the far end.
God…he was more than handsome.
She lost her footing for a second and Riki helped her find her steps again.
It all came down to this moment.
Yani drifted away into a time when she was a lost woman-child trying to make a way out of no way on a small island. How many nights had she prayed for a better life for herself and Sydette? Given up on herself? How many days had she cried and chastised herself for choosing love with Chez who treated her so poorly and abandoned Sweet Pea? Yani had felt so alone and lost to a pre-destined fate that befell too many young women with big hearts and limited resources or support. Thank God Auntie was there for her. Thank all the angels too that her auntie liked Killmonger so much that she didn't run interference keeping them apart. There were too many tangible things that should have prevented Yani from ever meeting the foreign mercenary.
But look at God.
Her eyes watered and she looked away to control her blurry vision. No tears fell and she was able to concentrate on her delicate steps to reach the king.
Riki halted their march and shouted for his father to get her. The audience laughed and Yani chuckled herself. His declaration was not a part of the ceremony. She lifted her bridal bouquet to her lips to hide her open-mouthed laughter when Riki sucked his teeth sounding like an annoyed Auntie back home.
Her laughter fell away once N'Jadaka came down the aisle to claim her at his son's demand. She heard a few gasps from women around her who also felt that energy coming toward her. He spoke forceful words of love instead of singing them to her. The switch up made the evocative words more powerful and she felt every utterance in her bones, marrow deep. When he finally reached her, she could barely see his face. Her eyes had become a river threatening to spill down her face.
"Will you walk with me Yani Galiber?" N'Jadaka asked.
His voice was full of pride and so much love for her. The scent of oils on his skin and the smudging on his clothes smelled heavenly. She lost the ability to speak taking all of his spirit in. Riki balled up a small fist and pressed it into her hip. Yani lifted his chin and stared into Riki's shiny eyes.
"Should we?" Yani asked her son.
Those little Udaku lips on his face swept up into a knowing smile and Riki nodded like she was foolish to even ask the question. She looked at her great love again.
"I will walk with you King N'Jadaka Udaku," she said.
"Say that one mo' 'gin!"
N'Jadaka had cupped his ear and she knew in her soul he did that purely to show off for the nobles who questioned her place in his life.
"I will walk with you forever King N'Jadaka Udaku…my Golden Jaguar."
"Aye!"
Yani gripped his arm and he held Riki's hand, escorting them all to the priest waiting for them. Her bridesmaids and bridesgroom were in various stages of watery eyes, crying, and beaming love to her. She handed her bouquet to Twyla and her cousin gushed over her with a weepy voice.
Facing N'Jadaka, Yani watched the priest give Sydette instructions. She handed the wedding rings to her brother and a footstool was placed in front of her so she could easily bind her mother and father together. Dinani spoke ancient words as Sydette tied the satin binding rope around N'Jadaka's wrist first. She left about two feet of rope in between them before she tied the other end on Yani's wrist. Her task complete, Sweet Pea kissed both their wrists and returned to stand next to Joba.
Yani listened to the Wakandan words spoken by the priest, but her eyes stayed on N'Jadaka's face the entire time. His soulful eyes drank in every inch of her. It seemed like they were the only two there, but with the guests, plus the entire Udaku clan in attendance, over one thousand people witnessed their union and she blotted them all out.
Dinani spoke of their expected duties toward one another. Her ears glossed over all of those expectations and only tuned back in when the long ceremony moved into the portion where she was told the qualities of a virtuous queen.
Holy scripture was read by Ayiz'e who wore the sacred red robes of the mountain temple of Bast. A male priest presented Dinani with more sacred oils and they anointed Yani and N'Jadaka. The qualities of a virtuous king were recited to N'Jadaka. An older female priest blessed their children who stood there, and also blessed the children they would have in the future.
Umama stepped forward from her place on the dais holding Yani's queen isicholo. Dinani prayed over the crown and anointed it with holy Bast oils before N'Jadaka pulled back the hood on Yani's wedding dress revealing her platinum hair. Umama's voice was loud and strong.
"We of the Udaku clan accept Yani Galiber into this holy union. She is our welcomed daughter…our new queen…Queen Yani N'Isiqithi the First."
The women of the entire Udaku clan broke out into heartfelt ululations that echoed throughout the temple. Yani bowed her head slightly and Umama placed the queen's isicholo on her head.
"Stay blessed Queen Yani, may your reign make us all proud and may your greatest grandmother Queen Mary guide your hand in all that you do," Umama said.
Yani stood still and accepted the ululations, the shouts, the applause, the jealousy, the envy, the hatred, the admiration, the love, the curiosity, and the fear her queendom brought to Wakanda. She straightened her posture and let the weight of the crown sink into soul.
Queen Yani.
Heavy was the head that wore the crown, but not so much with N'Jadaka by her side. He held her hand up and they turned around to face the congregation. Dinani raised their arms and spoke with a firm tone in their voice.
"May I present to you all here, the royal heads of the nation, King N'Jadaka and Queen Yani Udaku, avatars of the Golden Jaguar…children of the Black Pather Tribe."
Everyone in the temple stood, including the relatives on the dais. The Council of Elders came forth from the audience and circled Yani and N'Jadaka. They held hands and recited an oath promising them both wise council in the days ahead. Stepping aside afterward, Yani and her new husband were able to acknowledge the crowd amidst their applause.
"You may now kiss your bride, kumkani," Dinani said.
N'Jadaka's lips were on hers before the priest finished giving permission, almost knocking her crown off. He kissed her within an inch of her life and backed away when she almost went limp.
"Hey queen," he said.
"Hey king," she answered.
Yani checked on their children and all three had glossy eyes admiring her new isicholo. N'Jadaka threaded his fingers with hers and boldly showed her off. To close the ceremony, they had to circle the inside of the temple as newlyweds counterclockwise. The isicholo settled nicely on her head, and Yani willfully entered her new era as ruler. She relaxed into N'Jadaka's strides and pranced about, letting her beauty and new status burn her enemies down to charcoal.
N'Jadaka kept stopping to kiss her hand and the red satin binding tie dangled between them letting everyone know they would never part. She reveled in the power, soaked it up and let it propel her around the temple with a fierce protective energy.
Back at the front again, N'Jadaka kissed her chasrely, with pecks to her lips and both cheeks. She bent down to hug and kiss their children just as the closing wedding march started. Dinani gave their final blessing and the Udaku family drummers showed out again, leading the march out of the temple. Didah sang a new griot song prophesying the reign of Yani and N'Jadaka.
"Ready to face the rest of the world?" N'Jadaka asked.
"I am," Yani said.
They held hands tight and strolled down the aisle together, exiting the ancient temple as husband and wife.
Chapter 6 HERE.
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* Lyrics to Jada Kingdom's "Wull On"
** Poem by Black American poet Paul Laurence Dunbar (1872-1906), "An Invitation to Love"
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the-weeping-fox · 4 years ago
Text
you save yourself.
I'll save myself this time around.
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i had a feeling id hear from you on my birthday.
i thought id get a call or text though. so not winning big on that bet.
it still shakes me pretty bad.
i wonder if you knew how obsessed I was with you.
i know you have an idea, but i don't think you'll ever really know.
nothing scary. just... an overabundance of love and affection. you were my air. i wanted to breathe you in.
thought I smelled you for a second the other day when I was cleaning out my room.
its hard. I miss my best friend. I miss the love of my life.
heard your sister got engaged. bout time.
i wonder... if things never went sideways with us.. would we be married now? im sure we would've come around.
but i think thats a silly thought.. i think we were always sideways. even in the beginning. fighting and begging you to date me. christ.
hard memories and harder feelings.
lots of things have been happening to me and for me. things I wish you could share in. places I see your shadow.
waiting to schedule therapy till after my move. been processing alone. its hard. even with people who care. im trying to let go of the anger.
im really angry you hurt me. no matter how you slice it, you put me through some really awful things.
I would tell you that I had a theory that as someone got older, they would learn how to feel another Feeling simultaneously. Like, if you were 30, you could potentially feel 30 Feelings at once. Maybe some overlapping, maybe some individual.
I say this, because I feel like this is how my feelings towards you are built. I have this structure of Love and Friendship that we originally built, through fun sex and taking care of each other. But then these other really horrible feelings of Betrayal and Angry due to.. everything that happened.
I just... i was your sweet boy and you lied and hurt me. Ill never understand. I feel like a kicked Kitten. I try and put logic to it, but it just hurts me more.. trying to make sense of it. trying to put your shoes on and see it from your eyes... hurts. i don't know if ill ever understand how you could it and live with yourself.
i had some part in all of it too. i don't want to spend my life as a victim. i put so much love and faith into you. and the one thing I needed... you couldn't do.
i remember you telling me.. that sometimes I needed to just sit down and say, "you'll be okay. I love you. we'll figure it out and be okay." and that's what I needed. i was so lost in my own sadness and anger that I couldn't tell you I needed it.. but that was it. i needed to see your heart again.
anyways. i don't really want to harp on old shit. i do it 24/7 in my own head as it is.
you deleted your tumblr. never ceases to make my heart ache. but you reached out on my birthday. its.. a strange and potentially painful move. you know your number isn't blocked. so there's still a distance you want to keep. I've come to my own conclusion that it was a Bait. I responded on my old Tumblr... but after spending days pouring over the hint of a response.. i realized how gross that was and is.
I hard-loved you. I loved you with a ferocity I have never shared for anyone else. you were my one and only. I wanted to drink you in. I've had a painful time quitting you. I watched our videos... a lot. I wish i had made 1,000 more. I think i gave up trusting you somewhere along the road.
but... dangling that message.. that "but..." was... awful. I dont know if it was an open invitation to contact you or.. what. but it was.. it sucked. I would have rather had a phonecall or text or something. i don't know. I guess tumblr was the only place we could actually communicate, so maybe this was the best avenue.
I miss you. A lot. All this time and silence gives a lot of perspective. I miss your voice. i miss your smell. I miss your body. I miss your snores.
But another point of perspective is that you gave up our life. You sold that house. You got a new place that you wouldn't reveal the address to. You got new friends. You were walking away from me and us for a long time.
I get why. You spent a lot of time as the quiet girlfriend, waiting for me to tell you what I needed. but read that last sentence aloud. I was hurt. I was damaged. I wasn't going to ever be able to tell you what I needed. I needed your heart to call out to me, and it was the one thing you wouldn't do.
I hope Mittens is doing well. I cry when I think about her not being in my life. I hope I get to see her again before.. well. before anything happens to anyone.
Anyways. after I left my response to your Tumblr message... i... stopped checking it. You might have even responded. I won't know though. I probably won't know until our anniversary. I'll be there, by the way. Ill be in the spot where we figured it all out the first time. Probably get lunch and spend the day in that parking lot. I know you're not the emotional type like that, haha. Id be shocked. floored probably. might even hear me actually gasp.
...
I wouldve been a really good quarantine boyfriend. I really wonder what you think of me. what you honestly think. I mean.. it has to mean something that you left a message for me. Maybe you can't get our memories out of your head either. Im sorry if you thought I might have been trying to use you for sex or something near the end there. I wonder if that's how I came off. It wasn't how I meant to. Sex was just.. a really straight forward expression of our love and.. always felt safe and good with you. Ive had a lot of trouble trying to make that connection with anyone else. They aren't you and... i need to figure that out.
Things with Kat never came to fruition. she didnt really liked that i was too fucked up over you, haha. that would probably make your evil little heart jump. You beat Katherine in my mind. Maybe that can put how I feel about you in perspective.
I also wonder about letting you know about this blog? Maybe. Maybe as an anniversary present. But I cant imagine you want anything to do with me anymore. I really tried to salt the Earth when you left. I could feel how addicted I was to you. I had to for my own good. I wasn't strong enough to quit you.
shit. i still don't think I am. I dont even know if ill be able to move on. I dont want to. I miss you. I want to try and use my angry to curve that feeling, but love is stronger than hate. it always wins out.
so I guess I'll just keep pretending that you had my kid in some alternate universe and cry to my new friends about how some blonde girl shattered my heart.
I hope... youre okay. I think i mean that. its hard in here.
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